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(no subject)

Aug. 27th, 2012 | 11:11 pm

IT has taken a while. But I get it. Universe I get the big picture. Things they are a changing...

madcap stressed but smiling bride

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(no subject)

Jul. 18th, 2012 | 10:58 pm

Foot still hurts and it looks like it wasnt all taken out so I have to go back again. >.<

Good news. While you are all off at pennsic. I will be getting my finalized divorce. YAY!

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Falling in Love

Jul. 17th, 2012 | 11:48 pm
mood: lovedloved

So its almost midnight and I am that almost sleepy not really sleepy but have Vicodin stage. LOL So if this rambles, please forgive me.

As the prep for the wedding gets into FULL swing, I get increasingly neurotic and I understand why those women on those shows are bitches. The littlest things can set a girl off. But while Im going through the ups and downs, Im reminded constantly why I fell in love with Jake, Hes a great guy. Today I had a cyst removed off my foot. Its VERY painful and put me out of commission. He took care of me. Made sure I ate, took my pills, took care of the baby, and even tucked me in after I had fallen asleep.

THat is one of those things that makes me fall in love with him all over again. He tucks me in. Before he leave for work, or just sees that I am uncovered. He takes the time, stops what he is doing and makes sure I am in my nice little cocoon.

Its the small things that mean the world. We dont have a lot of money so he doesnt buy me a lot of things. He has to tell me no a lot when I want something new. But every night, he kisses me and tells me he loves me. He tucks me in, He brings me something to drink in the morning so it is waiting for me when I wake up, He takes care of me in the smallest ways as I take care of him in the big ways.

You should fall in love again every day. And I do

Also.. Vicodin makes you itch.

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Jun. 24th, 2012 | 08:51 am

Oh my god I had such a good time this weekend. People and things and SHINEY! Lots of ideas for the wedding. Robin got to play with dart guns.Made new friends and have convinced them they need to come to WOW. Danced the night away to really REALLY odd music (99 problems should NEVER be a country song. It was an abomination of nature >.<) But all in all a GREAT time. Now to pack up and make the long trek home. New

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Dress Diary

Jan. 15th, 2010 | 10:38 am

Yep so here we go. I have -no- idea what Im doing. Ok I have an idea but not much more than that. LOL

So here is the inspiration...

The lady on the left in the gold and olive. These are underdresses. So I figured I might as well give it a go at the over dress.

So basically the bodice of the dress should look something like this

Again the one on the left. Ill put up my fabric as soon as I figure out how to use a digital camera... wish me luck :)

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A New Year

Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 06:20 pm

The paths that I once tread
Have all but gone
Only embers now smolder
Where bridges once burned

I feel alive and yet I fear
What may happen now
I know I can't return

And I hear me say again 'Oh let me not return'

Damn the illusions of redemption
And the hopes that held me here
I will oppose all that would befall me
With this rage inside of me
I'll defy what I would become

This solitude and anger
That do battle inside of me
Will always guide me to the answers
That I know I may not see
They are the bonds that hold me tighter
They are the chains that weigh on me
One day, I know they will become

Can I start again
And erase this pain
By casting doubts into the waters
Asking judgment of the sea

Though fortune, you guide the fools
I have no wish to be free
Until I am gone

No not suicidal. Just rethinking life. A new life for me. A new year, a new life. At some point you have to stand up and say enough is enough. It is better to have no friends than have friends that make you feel worthless. So I embark. New plan. Its me. I didn't use to hate spending so much time alone. I used to do it all the time. Miss my friends back in Florida, the ones that I could depend on to do nothing more than get me out of the house some days.
I have my books and I'm gonna start writing again. Maybe I will finish a story to get published. There's a thought. :)

So my resolution for this year...
Be OK with being alone.

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Jul. 2nd, 2009 | 06:52 pm

God Im exhausted. And its not the physically exhausted. THat I get on a daily basis and know how to deal with it. Im an insomniac after all. But Im exhausted of trying.. and failing.. to live upto everyones expectations. Most the time I dont even know what I have done and why people have stopped talking to me. Lost my whole family (non related) and Im not even sure what happened. NO one will tell me. Told me to stay away... so I did.. and now are upset that Im not going to them and talking to them about what the problem is. For the love of god make up your minds!!! I cant do both. Then there is the other issue. Im a gossip. I know it. So no one tell me anything anymore. That will solve that problem completly. This I take as my fault. This I have done wrong. This is on noones shoulders but my own. I apologise. Then the not knowing. The unsurity of maybe i did something wrong? Not in the group that told me to stay away but just stopped talking to me all together. No phone calls. No IM's nothing. This is exhausting. I want to crawl into a bubble and just stay there. I cant hurt anyone and no one can hurt me. Sounds like a plan.. where do I sign up for my bubble?

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(no subject)

Jun. 17th, 2009 | 02:01 pm

Well the birthday party was.. mixed feelings. I had a blast. Friday I rode a mechanical bull and saturday was the party and sunday went to Universal Studios. So had lots of fun and there were WAY HIGHS. Unfortunalty ther were so way lows. Lots of mixed feelings and confusion. Actual birthday was GREAT. Got to sleep in,  went to Dave and Busters with Trap. I am now the proud owner of a Ribbit. The thing has longer legs than I do LOL. So all in all the passing of the years from 32 to 33 was... fun.. exciting.. disappointing... thrilling... wet.... painful.. jellofilled... scantily clad... frustrating.... all wrapped up in one.

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Craft Challenge

Feb. 2nd, 2009 | 04:39 pm

The first six people to respond to this post will get something made by me. It will be about or tailored to those six who respond first.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a mix tape. It may be fic, or a poem. I may draw or paint something. I might bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange
*The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you!

*I never expect people to do things - do it if you wanna.

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(no subject)

Oct. 19th, 2008 | 12:06 am
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: whatever the neighbor is playing next door. I vaguely recognize it

Realization time. I hoped and prayed and wished and gave up everything so that I could have what I ultimately wanted. Every fallen star, every late night wish, every daydream in the silliest way. I wanted him to want me the way that I wanted him. Hindsight being what it is, I think maybe he did. Madly truly deeply. I have a part of him that no one ever will touch. The great loves of his life will come and go and when they come and go I will still be there. Its not... its not Disney's version of happily ever after. I don't get the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog in the yard. But is that what I really wanted? No.. I just wanted someone that wanted to be with me. Just me. Just Tonnya who is lazy and a slob. Who would rather curl up in bed with a book than sit on the couch and watch tv... who thinks that if her internet ever truly went down she would waste away.And he does, he loves me but as I tell everyone.. its different. I think for the first time I am beginning to see how different. And what is different about it. And fir the first time I can smile and my heart not feel like there is a stone sitting on it. He is and will always be my best friend. The girls that come and go in his life and the boys that come and go in my life, that is just a reality, a fact. A non negotiable when it comes to me. Him.. we shall see. I believe that I am important to him.. I know that I am important to him. I wont ever be the girlfriend, or the girl that gets the attention, or the girl that gets to be claimed as 'his' lady. But I am the girl he comes to talk to, and the girl that holds his hand and the girl that regardless of the fact that he is not -with- me I want the best for him. He deserves the best . Crazy mixed up life. No one prepares you for the other relationship in your life. You get told about your boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife and mate pairing. What they dont tell you is about that companion pairing. That person that is your friend, has part of your soul, and reminds you regardless of everything else, you wont die alone

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